The big D

It's a scary word, most of the time. It's something that you don't plan for, don't expect while you're eating the yummy cake and smiling for your guests, and it's certainly not fun. It feels like you're heart is ripping out of your chest at one moment, and then the very next moment is filled with hope. It's the unknown, the shameful, the feeling of failure, the end of something that was so, so wonderful for a moment in time: the "D" word.

Divorce.

Here's what they don't warn you about in the dozens of books I've read and testimonies I've heard from others who've been through it: I still love him. I mean, not like that anymore, but I do...I love him. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly, I want the very best for him. I look forward to the time when things settle down. I look forward to the day we can be friends.

It isn't final, and I am unsure when it will be. I've been keeping things a secret, for the most part, since it began. I've been so afraid of what people would say. I've always been a little too concerned about that. At the beginning of January, my sister sent me a forward that....I'll admit...I usually delete. I read that one--the whole thing. I'm glad I did. It was full of sassy quotes and "I am woman, hear me roar" stories and advice. There in the midst of all the sass was one line that said "What other people think about you is none of your business." Epiphany time. It wasn't a profound quote from an ancient philosopher, just a plain old thought that rang a bell. That bell is still ringing. It's none of my business! So, here it is, world. The statement I've been hiding from: "I'm getting a divorce." Talk amongst yourselves. It's none of my business, anyway.

The journey has been nothing short of the most gnarly roller coaster ever engineered. Before you get on that roller coaster, you get so nervous, right? You start counting the people in front of you, trying to predict when it'll be your turn. You get in, buckle up...yikes...is this a good idea?? The click, click, click going up the hill--That's the scary part...what's happening next? How sudden is the fall? When's it gonna happen? The rush of going down that hill, the scary excitement of it all. The unexpected twists and turns, hands over your eyes one minute, the next you have your arms up in the air, fearless. Your stomach is in a constant state of flip-flop with the loopy upside down parts. You come to a screeching halt when it's over, stand up a little wobbly, and go about your day, your clothes a little less ironed and hair a little less fixed.

The truth is, it's for the best. It really is. Very cliche', right??

If there's one thing I've learned about life, it's that it goes on. Thank goodness it goes on.