The past year has been a full journey of life, love, a 3 year old, and many valuable lessons learned along the way. To sum it all up in my first blog post in almost a year....{whoopsie}.....would be impossible, but I'm feelin' ambitious. This may set a new record for the longest blog post ever.
In August of last year, my crazy hormonal body flipped out on me. I'm now ready to admit that I was "clinically" depressed. I denied it, made excuses for it, and argued my way out of what was going on. I lied to friends about why I didn't go to birthday parties, I lied to myself about...well, everything I was feeling, I isolated myself from many social opportunities at work, at church, and basically everywhere I went, and I honestly thought it was just a funk that I'd get out of.
I can't put a finger on what was the specific trigger for those dark days, but these things certainly contributed: Rumors at school about something that supposedly involved me, but didn't (at all), swirled. I wasn't happy with where I was going to church. My very best friends that I lean on lived so very far away. 2 consecutive semi-relationships with a couple of "good ol' boys" went down the tube. Negativity was everywhere. Yada, yada, yada.. Life felt a little scrambled and chaotic and I was completely and totally out of control of my emotions. I felt like a crazy person.
The Lord used that time in my life to teach me.
And then, Cooper's dad told me that he was getting married. There were absolutely no lingering feelings for him, and a 0% chance of us ever getting back together, but it DEVASTATED me. I turned into a 12 year old and had horrible, hateful thoughts. (I'm not proud of that) "He doesn't deserve to be happy, how can he move on so easily, why couldn't be take me out all the time like he did with her, how can he suddenly be at home all the time", (I could go on, but I won't. You're welcome. :) The most devastating thought, though, was that Cooper would have another female in his life besides me, his mommy. He would have a "mommy figure" at a home that wasn't our home. Another woman would be kissing him goodnight. Another woman would be planning a birthday party for him. Another woman would be shopping for his clothes, and tying his shoes, and brushing his teeth. I wasn't prepared to share him. Ever. EVER. I dealt with it. Pumped myself up for it. And then one Saturday, out of the mouth of my precious little boy came a horrible, awful, sentence. It makes me cry all over again just thinking about it. He said, "Mommy, when you die, don't worry. I have another mommy." I have no clue where this came from. I have no idea how confused his little mind must've been. What I do know is that it brought me to my knees and I think I cried for a solid two days. All. Time. Low.
The Lord used that time in my life to teach me.
SO, I started seeing a counselor. It was the best decision I could have made and I started taking medication to help with things. And it did help. I am so thankful I did that and regret that I didn't do it sooner....I regret that I saw it as such a shameful thing. These days, I see it as understandable.
Through my healing process, there was a lot of prayin' goin' on, naturally. Specific prayers, y'all. It took a few months, but I finally began to feel like life was returning back to normal. I felt more like myself than I had in months. For some reason, although I was a much happier (and stable....lol) I felt like my life was missing someone- - a man - - to share it with. So, I prayed for the Lord to fulfill the desires of my heart. And He did, in His time, just like He always does.
Since my divorce, the biggest fear that I had in the whole whole world was that I would never remarry. I want more babies. Because I love them, and because I love being a mama. Before babies happen...lol...I needed to find my soulmate. I began dating someone. We were friends in college, lost touch after graduating, and randomly ran into each other at Wal-Mart one day. (neat.) After a couple of months of texting here and there, we finally planned to hang out. Things clicked. There was no awkwardness because we had known each other previously. Texting turned into talking, and talking turned into hanging out. Seeing each other once a week soon turned into multiple times a week and every weekend. It was sweet, it was new, it was God-sent, it was a blessing. I was in l-o-v-e. I really was.
And.....then I wasn't. I was overlooking a lot of areas in our lives that were absolutely not compatible. I was dismissing pet peeves and excusing things that normally aren't excused in my book. I became involved in his church and tried whole heartedly to convince myself that I could get use to some beliefs and practices that were a little (a lot) more radical than what I had known for my entire life. I realized that I was forcing a relationship to happen because I wanted a relationship. With no regard to his feelings, I was distant and closed-off for the last month or more of our time together. I pretended everything was fine, but internally, it wasn't. It broke my heart to break it off, but it had to happen. It just had to!!
The Lord used that time in my life to teach me.
During the summer, it was discovered that Cooper's dad had a brain aneurysm. It was an extremely scary time in his life and in mine, as well, as Cooper's mom. Lots of tears were shed by all. Mine at a distance, of course. The anticipation of having surgery, the unknown of what the end result would be, what life would be like after, was overwhelming for all involved. I'll never forget the phone call that Cooper's dad made to him before he was taken back to prep for surgery. Through tears, although he was trying to be tough, Chad spoke to our son, let him know how much he loved him, and hung up without knowing if he'd ever speak to him again. Talk about put things into perspective... As the mama of our sweet boy, you can't begin to imagine how many miles a minute my mind was moving. I've never prayed like I prayed in those days. Constant prayer. I was hoping with all that is in me for the best possible outcome. Because I'm a realist, I also began to prepare myself for what I would tell our son if the worst did happen. Chad was bathed in prayer by hundreds of his friends, family, coworkers, strangers, etc. from beginning to end. When we received the news that surgery was successful, tears of joy flowed. Like a river. In the days that followed, though, many more complications arose. A stroke, brain vessel spasms, MANY days in ICU, blood pressure that was inconsistent. (Probably more that I don't know/or am forgetting). The stroke seemed to immediately affect his speech, mobility, and memory. Memory. The speech and mobility are trivial when we start thinking about losing your memory. I began to panic more than I had panicked up to this point. I was relieved beyond belief that he made it through the surgery ok and that I wouldn't have to explain to our son why Daddy was in Heaven. However, I couldn't wrap my mind around how to explain to a 3 year old why Daddy didn't remember him. All I could do is pray. I am so fortunate that I never had to explain that to him. While speech and mobility still posed an issue, memory seemed to be returning back to normal. Praise God. (He is at home and in a little better shape than he was in the hospital, but prayers are still appreciated).
Through the entire process in the hospital, his dad's wife and I were "forced" to communicate. And by "forced" I mean...we didn't regularly communicate before. At all. And, suddenly we were communicating multiple times per day. We established a relationship and all of the walls and boundaries that we created in our minds were suddenly gone. Just like that.
The Lord used that time in my life to teach me.
Perspective is what I needed a healthy dose of. The same man I didn't like very much a year ago, the one that didn't deserve to be happy, and that was all of those names i called him, was fighting for his life. There was no guarantee, whatsoever, that he would leave the operating room alive. As a nurse himself, he knew what was reality. It wasn't masked with medical terminology or careful wording. He consciously dialed the phone to call his son for what might have been the last time he ever talked to him. I cannot begin to imagine what that must have been like for him.. That woman? His wife? The one that i shouldn't be sharing my son with? Her first husband passed away when her two kids were very young. She was faced with the possibility of losing another husband, tragically. She always kept me informed of how Chad was doing, progressing, etc. She knew that because I was Cooper's mom, I would want to know. And she let me know, without me having to ask. She isn't such an "enemy" after all. I made her one in my mind. She didn't ask to be that. My son is loved by her. And well taken care of by her when he's at their house. He is not treated like a step-child. And she hasn't stepped on my "mama toes" and I really don't expect her to. I'm just sorry that it took such a traumatic event for my eyes to be opened to TRUTH.
Through ALL of the negative I've just spilled my guts about, my little ray of sunshine was right by my side. Bad days were made better, tough times were made easier, happy times were made exponentially happier, all because of my little Cooper Lane. He is happiness personified. It's impossible for me to accurately express all the ways that he has made my life richer. My biggest fear was that I'd never re-marry or have more babies. Not anymore. My CURRENT biggest fear is that Cooper is getting older by the second. I don't want to miss a moment of his life worrying/stressing/harboring bad feelings toward anyone/focusing on anything trivial/trying to force a romantic relationship to work/etc., etc., etc. (I feel like i need to say that i never neglected my baby..you knwo that if you know me.:) ..but i'll admit that my mind was sometimes pre-occupied with worries) Life's precious. And it's short. And we only get one shot. Little boys are only little once. Today won't ever come again.
The Lord is using this time in my life to teach me.
My favorite thing about life is that it is an ever-changing experience FULL of ups and downs and curveballs. I feel like my 29th year of life, through all of those ups and downs and curveballs, molded me into a much, much better me. I'm proud of that.
