The cleaning ladies

Know what i feel like? Get your imagination ready. :) I feel like a bunch of little tiny cleaning ladies are surrounding my heart and my mind...and, well, my life in general. I feel like all of the 'bad stuff' is being swept away into their tiny little dustpans. Little by little, everything is just falling into place. Life is becoming simpler, my heart is much softer, and i'm feeling more like myself every day.

I took lots of deep breaths today. I even sat down and slowed my mind down enough to watch a movie. That hasn't happened in a really, really long time!!!

Know what else I feel like? No imagination necessary this time... I feel like being happy without having to pretend to be happy feels pretty stinkin' good.

Sometimes we laugh....

...and sometimes we cry. Sometimes it's hard to figure out our way in this life.

3 years ago today, I danced, for the first time as a married couple on our wedding day, with my husband to that song. Brandon Rhyder sings it and I use to love it. I use to love it a lot. I'll never hear those words the same way again.

It was a beautiful wedding. And a beautiful reception. The dress I wore was the perfect dress. The songs we picked out for the ceremony and reception were the perfect songs. I'll never forget how I felt that day. Luckiest girl in the world.

3 years ago today, I would have never imagined how our story would play out. The "worse" got the "better" of us, I suppose.

I imagined I would go through the day today without a care in the world. I imagined I might even have a couple of margaritas and make a toast to life's unexpected curveballs we sometimes get. I didn't do either of those things.

Instead, I wallowed in self-pity for a while, occupied my mind with a lot of mindless internet browsing, drove, and drove, and drove and came up with a little mental plan and pep talk to get myself through these hard times...

#1 on the list: Find a new favorite song.
#2 on the list: Wait for the hidden blessing that is bound to come from this. God alllways comes through for us in that way, doesn't he?

oh la dee, oh la dah, life goes on, oooooh na na na na life goes on...

Mantra

When I find myself in times of trouble,
mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

And in my hour of darkness she is
standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people
living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.

For though they may be parted
there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,
there is still a light that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.

I wake up to the sound of music,
mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom,
let it be.

20

Twenty....

...times a minute, I hear "mama! mama!"
...times an hour, I find a random object hidden somewhere it doesn't belong.
...times a day, I get an unexpected tight hug from my sweet, sweet boy.
...times a week, a new word spills out of his mouth that he's never said before.
...times a month, I suddenly think (slightly panicked)....When did you get SO big?

For 20 months, I have smiled more, my days have been happier, my life has taken on a new meaning, my identity has been redefined, and I have loved harder than I ever thought I could in my wildest dreams.

For 20 months, my heart has melted into the hands of a little boy with dirty fingernails, 20 year old boots on his feet, and the biggest blue eyes I've ever seen.

For 20 months, I have considered myself the luckiest mama in the whole wide world.

Don't grow up too fast, CoopCoop.