I've read a few books. A few million. And, I've read a few books about divorce. I must've been shopping in the wrong part of the self-help section.
You see, throughout the divorce, from the moment it was filed until the moment it was final, life was a little tougher than normal, and there were bad days, and I poured out my heart a few times to close friends/family that were there for me to lean on. Somehow I managed (God helped me manage) to walk calmly through the storm. I amazed myself with my ability to keep my head up. And then it was final. And I took a deep breath. Just one. Things are suppose to get easier now, right?
Wrong.
Post-divorce has been treacherous. More difficult than I could have ever, ever, ever imagined. I'm a wreck. Plain and simple. And I don't know why. Recently, a telemarketer from DirecTV heard my life story and before the call was over, I was in tears. I showed up to work two weeks ago with eye make-up on one eye only. I can't tell you where anything is. Not even in the general vicinity of where it might be. I also had a MAJOR melt-down/freak out last week in my car because I couldn't find my keys. ( I was
driving...they were in the
ignition.....) I could go on. But then I would probably worry you a bit more than you probably already are. :)
What I do know is that I'm going to write a book about divorce. I've always wanted to write a book, anyway. This book will be for girls like me. You know, normal ones. No fantasy-living, daydreaming, romanticist, pie in the sky girls. Nuh-uh. Realist, in-your-face, no-gray-area, call- it-like-you-see-it girls like me.
Because what those books don't tell you is that you're never going to be the same. Ever. And no matter how hard you try to trust ANYONE, it doesn't come easy...and sometimes doesn't come at all. And as much as you are grateful to God that he is merciful to you every day, you also have to remember that he is also merciful every day to your ex, the one you don't like very much right now. That's a tough pill to swallow. And that as much as you think...and say...that you'll totally be ok when your ex finds 'someone new' you're not gonna be ok with it, even if she's a good person. And that all you really need is time to heal....and that's the one thing you don't have, because if you're like me, you have an incredible fear of wasted time.
Tough times build character. I hope that's true.
Sometimes things have to fall apart for them to fall together {better than before}. I hope that's true, too.
And if you choose to not follow this blog-o-mine anymore, I totally understand. Though I've been a little negative nelly lately, I have to say, it is goooooood therapy to "get it all out there". Whew. The load's a little lighter tonight.
